Updated: Dec 7, 2020
This phrase has been playing in my head like the hook of a hip hop song. For some reason, today just feels different. I have been fighting fear, rejection and self-doubt for most of my life; but the last two years have been intense. Somewhere along the way, I completely lost my confidence and gave up on myself.
I mean, don’t get me wrong... I still accomplished things, but, my self-doubt kept me in a place where I’d only allow myself to go so far. In February of this year, I started blogging. I wrote the first draft of a book, and by March, I had started creating jewelry. All of these things were exciting, but I kept them all to myself. I was scared y’all.
It wasn’t until July that I finally got the courage to go public with my blog. I created t-shirts and matching bags to help me brand. I hosted a live panel with women, and it was all the beginning of something wonderful. I made a few sales and created a nice buzz. Then... nothing....
Out of nowhere I completely lost my confidence. For whatever reason, when I finally get the confidence to jump out, I jump. However, once I’m out there, instead of walking on water, I just kind of lay there and float. I mean, I’m not quite drowning, but I’m not making any waves either.
During this time, I found myself rehearsing self doubt and rejection. I started wallowing in self pity. I made so many excuses that I looked up, and was surrounded by investments with no return.
I really can’t tell you what happened, but something has changed. After having a conversation with one of my friends, I got the kick in the pants that I needed. I could feel my confidence rising. Something went off in me like a rocket. I decided to wake up! I’ve been sleeping on me for far too long.
I have spent so much energy, time and money, only to be left carrying the regret of not betting on myself. That conversation reminded me that disobedience to God, as a result of fear is rooted in pride. Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that God needed me. Not really, but my actions implied that my purpose would wait until I was ready. When the truth is, God has called me to a very specific assignment, but if I won’t move, he’ll raise up someone else.
He chose each one of us out of love. Not necessity. What he has placed in your hands is an honor. Show him you appreciate it by honing your craft. Do what God called you to do! There are people waiting on you to be obedient. But please understand... if you won’t, there is always someone who will.
Today, I woke up with the same fear I’ve always had, but it was accompanied by the passion that I needed. I put myself out there. I released my jewelry pieces. I created a sales goal, and I hit it. I’m so proud of myself. I truly believe God is proud of me too. I have no idea what’s going to happen from here, but I do know I’m staying awake to see.